10 Ways We Plan on Making Your Life Amazing
1. Social Media is Here to Stay
We’ve been working on these devices called smartphones for over a decade, and now that they’re released, we’re amazed by the progress we’ve made in such a relatively short time! Already there are more smartphones than people worldwide! Depression rates, feelings of isolation, anxiety, and ADHD in teens have skyrocketed due to the social media apps being used on these devices. And boy, we’re just getting started!
2. Promote Coffee: Ensure People Drink it Daily
We’ve partnered with Starbucks and Costa, to make these beans as trendy as imaginable. We’ve also managed to publish pseudo studies that demonstrate the positive effects of long-term coffee consumption (heart health improvement, diabetes, you know whatever they want to hear). We’re amazed by the ingenuity of our researchers — they always find ways to make bullshit sell!
3. Normalizing 9–6 pm 5 Days a week
Ideally, we’d make it something like 10–3. But we want to take everything out of them. Luckily, after the industrial revolution, we managed to pay off Henry Ford to help make this the new standard. We didn’t want to push things too far here though. As 40 hours of work, relatively speaking, gives them some free time. And that’s needed because we need them to go out shopping to consummmmmeeee!
4. Social Engineering: Get them to to Feel Desperately Alone without a Partner
We’re going to be using romantic movies and TV shows to push this as much as possible. We’re already making massive sales with Valentine’s day, which we concocted out of thin air, and whose basis we propagated as a mythological Roman festival. Our fake historians are brilliant. The key is making sure that people don’t feel secure or happy when they’re on their own. We want them to always look outside themselves!
5. Offer an Abundance of Online Pornographic Material
Let’s jack up the average man’s dopamine receptors, dulling their sensitivity to everyday pleasures. We’ve had incredible success here. 40 million Americans regularly visit pornsites. And 35% of all internet traffic is related to pornographic material. And soon, we’re going to have 5G and Fibre optic in place to jack up these numbers even more!
6. Unlimited access to the ‘Best’ Entertainment in the World (Netflix)
Let’s hopefully get them addicted so they use their evening hours unproductively. The more we can do to help push people to pay less attention to themselves, the better. Ensuring we push them to work as hard as possible so that they feel they need to reward themselves in the evening — is paramount for this to work. If we can get the kids in this trend early, that’ll be a nice bonus.
7. Make Healthy Food expensive, Make Unhealthy Food Cheap
We need to make sure that people don’t eat healthy at all costs. Let’s stack all the worse, yet most tempting, foods imaginable near the checkout area. Let’s also lace chewing gum products with Aspartame (artificial sweetener — also a neurotoxin) to dull their creativity. But perhaps most importantly, let’s ensure factory farming becomes the standard, so that animals can experience the most pain possible before death. That way, the same energy of suffering gets transferred to the consumers *giddy*.
8. Teach Them Unhelpful Information Throughout their Childhoods
Ideally, the more unprepared they are for actual for life, the more likely they’ll make suboptimal decisions that will benefit us. No teaching students about effective investment strategies! Let’s keep them poor! And ideally let’s brainwash them with a version of history that’s so removed from truth. It’s also crucial we get them to understand the importance of following the traditional life-cycle we’ve set up for them.
9. Constantly Perpetuate Negative news So That They Live in Fear
Fortunately, we own many of the news networks so this should be easy. At the moment, we’re pondering on how we can segment our news organizations so that they’re more extreme in their views. We want to create an atmosphere of opposition and division between the public, and getting the segmentation right will be key for this.
10. Get Them to Follow the Herd
Ideally, to be able to succeed at our operation, we need to ensure that our agents keep people in check. Anyone who has an alternative view to the mainstream media, should be censored, and rightly so! After all, we’re the arbiters of what gets to be communicated and what doesn’t. The more propaganda we put out, and the more we gaslight people who aren’t following the script, the better.
Summary
We hope you’ve enjoyed this post. If you’d like to learn more ways on how we plan on making your life worse, be patient. We’re working on some amazing new shit. In a decade, things are going to keep getting better and better for us! But worse for you!
Mwahahahahahaahah!
